In the name of love

This post, has been sitting in my drafts folder for the last couple of years. Each time I decide to post it on Valentine's Day, my more non-controversial, more politically correct half says, "Don't you think it is a bit drastic? I mean for a day when everybody is celebrating romance and saying nice things? Why don't you think about it and if you still feel like it, you can always post it later"

So every year I decide not to be the wet blanket out to dampen the romance in the air. 

But this year, after finally spending 2 long years debating whether I really want to say what I have to say in this post and if this is what I truly feel, I realize that the answer to both the questions is a resounding YES. Hence I decided to go ahead and do this post. Today.

Now before you accuse me of being the Valentine Grinch, let me say upfront that while the sane, rational, cynical part of me always sneers at the marketing gimmick that is at the heart of this day, I have nothing against it per se. 

In fact, it is one of the rare days, the hubby makes it a point to take me out to dinner of his own accord and sometimes if I am really lucky, hands me a bunch of flowers or a card (again without any demand/ threat/ prompting on my part); so, on the contrary, I am very thankful that this occasion comes once a year. After all, in the midst of managing life, kids, family, job or lack of it and feeling endlessly stressed, hassled, exhausted and hormonal, it is always great to have a few moments which focus on you; even one that is artificially created, falsely embellished and impossibly hyped.

And no, I have nothing against Love either. 

Well, after having nixed my parents dream of "a nice, rice and fish loving Bangali boy for our daughter" and ending up marrying a fish hating, rice hating Tamilian Roman Catholic, I cannot exactly claim to be anti-romance, can I? 

Now, having issued so many disclaimers,  let's now get on with the whole point of this post. 

Every year when V'day is around the corner; my senses (and I am sure some of yours) get inundated with this non stop droning about romance. While I am all for celebrating love and companionship and romance; what I find unbearably annoying and not to mention, unrealistic, is this media portrayed Utopian version of romance;  a version that most people ultimately end up expecting in their own reality. A version, where love is a happily ever after where you hold hands and walk into the sunset on exotic beach locations or the pristine grasslands of New Zealand or on the Swiss Alps; where life is overflowing with chocolates, hammy dialogues, giant teddy bears, flowers and Hallmark greetings; where there abound perfect proposals and even more perfect beach side weddings (never mind that the wedding celebrations usually tend to last longer than the actual marriage does);  and where brooding, unbearably gorgeous, droopy eyed, blood sucking vampires and men who turn into werewolves at night, send you into a romantic frenzy instead of making you run for your life! 

I have an issue when almost every communication about romance is constantly drilling it into our heads that love is about "two hearts beating as one" and there residing but "two souls in one body" or "two souls with one thought" etc etc etc and that "life is incomplete unless you find that ONE person" who completes your life and who chooses to spend every minute of their time with you and who completes your sentences even before you are halfway through uttering them (am I the only one who finds that sentence completion vision infuriating rather than romantic?)

In fact I have wondered at times, if it is even possible to realistically achieve the concept of two hearts beating as one without crossing the boundaries of claustrophobia? 

In the last decade- decade and half, most of the people I have known, like me, have gone through this transition of being single to being a couple. Each person I know has dealt with this shift differently; while some have held on to a part of themselves with dogged stubbornness and resilience, some have immersed themselves whole heartedly in being a "couple" and have let the WE take over their whole existence.

To every person who has asked/ been asked by their partner to give up their hobbies/ interests in order to spend more time with their spouse, to every person who has gotten upset or thrown a tantrum if their spouse has made plans that doesn't include them; I have wanted to ask; is this not taking the concept of "two bodies, one soul" a bit too literally? 

Does one have to be joined at the hip to qualify to be soul-mates?

Why should a relationship feel weaker if two people with different interests and passions choose to spend some amount of time separately, pursuing their own interests instead of being stuck together doing things and pretending to like doing things they detest in the name of spending time together? 

Now I am no therapist nor am I some Love Guru. 

But I am a realist and I do know that someone like me who hardly has any hobby or interest in common with my hubby, would be miserable if I were to spend all my time doing what he likes. As would he if I were to make him visit endless museums or movies or gardens with me. 

Does it mean spending less time together? Yes, it does. 

But isn't it better be left alone to do what I love rather than having to do the same thing with the pressure of having a thoroughly bored and unhappy man hanging around my neck? Absolutely!
So, I can never qualify to be the poster child of Yashraj romances; but that feeling of sheer liberation from worrying about how bored/ annoyed my partner is, while I do what I want, makes that loss bearable! :)

And to every woman on the other end of the spectrum; every one who feels neglected and lonely and incomplete and craves that sizzle, that romance, those flowers and the surprise gift; I say, why on earth do you need to wait for a man to get you what you love? 

If you want flowers, go ahead and buy yourself some for God's sake! After all, no one knows what you like more than you, right? So go on, spend money on an expensive bouquet of the most exotic blooms you can find and tell yourself you are so worth it! And if you have a husband who doesn't believe in sending you any (mine thinks flowers are perishable and therefore a waste of money), just order yourself some on special occasions or just for the heck of it, and hand him the bill. Trust me, it is a much better option to sitting and waiting endlessly for some flowers that never arrive or arrive under duress.

And if you crave for a movie or a nice meal or a spa holiday, why not just take yourself out to one? To (mis)quote my favourite sitcom character, Frasier Crane, "I am my own perfect date! I am always on time, I know when to leave and I never tire of listening to myself" :)

And now, since I am not really sure where my endless rambling is leading to, I shall end this very un-romantic post with the following few lines from one of my favourite poems and author - Kahlil Gibran's immortal classic, the Prophet..

"You were born together, 

And together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music

Give your hearts, 

But not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow"

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

P.S- And to soften the impact of my nonsensical ramblings, these are a few pictures of some flowers I got for myself to celebrate all the love and romance in the air; beautiful, hand painted, lacquer finished and on a wooden magazine stand! Now tell me, aren't these more gorgeous, more stunning, more breath-taking than any bouquet my hubby would have ever gotten me? ;)