11 step program for those thinking of having kids

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Want kids??? 

Well, think again!!!

First, this post is not my own. It has been doing the rounds of the blogosphere and is on Facebook (well what isn't?). I tried to Google for the source of the original post, but came across 1,790,000 entries on this so I gave trying to search for the source and to thank him/ her for writing such a brilliant article! Nevertheless, want to share it all over as this is a hilarious article any parent would wholeheartedly empathise with and nod vigorously to.

For years I have been someone who passed more than her fair share of judgement and that eyebrow raised and lips pursed "what on earth is the matter with you and your kids" looks to others. And then my own terrible duo came along and made me realise how all those lines drawn firmly in black and white blur into nothingness when you yourself are caught in the maelstrom. 

When days of sleep deprivation move into months and then years, you tend to ignore the occasional scrawl on the wall (or if you are obsessive like me, you just keep paint handy!), you give in to the occasional tantrum and save your energy for bigger battles, you try not to die of shock every time you buy diapers and infant formula and you wonder why kids don't come with a Statutory Warning label of being extremely dangerous to health and sanity!!

Sometime back I met a somewhat crazy friend of mine who told me she adored twins and wanted to have a "set" of her own and had even been seriously considering ways of making that happen. And then she met my little Vs and spent about 4hrs in their company....When she left, she was seriously questioning whether she even wanted a single one ever! :))))

And to all people like her, who see only a cute little gurgling photo-op in diapers and wonder "exactly how tough could handling this little thing be?", to all those who have no clue as to just how quickly the "little bundle of joy" could turn into a ruthless and merciless little tyrant who can teach even the ancient Chinese a lesson or two in torture methods; its to those who desperately need this statutory warning, I dedicate this post! Enjoy! :))

Source : Getty Images

The post is in normal font and some of my comments (just couldn't help empathising aloud) are in italics and in pink.

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3 

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

(This one could very well be labelled 'any average night in Moushumi's life'! Infact I was even inspired by sleep deprivation to write a post- Sleeping like a baby. But ain't it heartening to know my kids aren't the only one keeping their mom sleep deprived!)

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

(Or in my case let them lick raw fish and rub fish scales all over the furniture and then jump over cornflakes and attempt to stamp the remains into every imaginary pore the wooden floor has)

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

(Aaaaah.. brings back not so beautiful memories of the time V1 at 8months, taking a bite out of a watermelon in the fruit section of Cold Storage and me petrified of getting caught and yelled at!)

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

(Or in my case, sing Wheels on the bus go round and round aboyt 2230 times each day and on occasions, stand on the side-walk and do so while buses pass you by!)

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

(Totally agree, there is no such thing as peace and quiet even in the loo ever since the Vs learnt to yell Mamma!)

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!